Something Different

a short story I wrote on the train

Dr. John Austria was not a peculiar man. He had little in the way of intricacies and you can altogether forget eccentricities. The strangest thing about the doctor was that he put his left shoe on first. People joked that perhaps the only extraordinary thing about him was how plainly ordinary he was. He ate breakfast four times a week and skipped it the other three. This was neither regimented nor even all that conscious, but you could set your watch to it all the same. Dr. John Austria did not have a Mrs. or Mr. Dr. John Austria nor was he really all that interested in that kind of companionship. He was never looking to fall in love; he was not on "the apps." The doctor plied his trade in the most unremarkable manner, though that's not to say meaningless, for he sure meant something to those kids with the fucked up teeth, even if they all grew to forget who to credit for their now serviceable smiles. 

And so I can assure you it came as a great surprise to each and every person who heard the news: Dr. John Austria had been found dead. According to the coroner, the man had died just about exactly 48 hours prior to discovery. As best the detectives could tell, the doctor's pedestrian life had closed its final chapter in the most spectacular fashion: a self-administered shotgun blast to the brain—a dwarf star gone supernova. The supposed last straw for the unsuspected straw collector is equal parts banal and baffling. Dr. John Austria's Roku 43" television was frozen in amber, paused at the 21st minute and 36th second mark of Saving the Gorillas: Ellen's Next Adventure. Placed neatly on the coffee table beside which he breathed his last breath was a handwritten note that simply said, "Why?" 

It's unclear what exactly about Ellen Degeneres's latest creative endeavor pushed Dr. John Austria's last button, but the Walmart cashier who sold him the steel said his face looked as if it'd seen everything it could bear to see. In a statement from Ms. Degeneres she said, "It is the goal of every project to touch the lives of those who watch. I guess you could say that with Saving the Gorillas, we achieved that goal. My heart goes out to Dr. John Australia and his family."

Say what you will, but one thing is crystal clear: Ellen Degeneres cares. 

Saving the Gorillas: Ellen's Next Adventure is streaming now on Discovery GO.